A Taste of Bittersweet Memories

Found this in an archive. I realized I have quite a few entries posted in various sites. This coming Christmas is the second Yuletide season without him. (This was written on May 12, 2011)

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I’m feeling weepy again.

[My roommate reminded me the song I love but scared of listening. I did my best not to sing the song in my mind. Fate wasn't helpful. The song was played by the neighbor a minute after. Why do I feel there's conspiracy here?]

There’s no getting over when losing someone, we just get use to the feeling of their absence and the pain it causes but we’re still at loss and we’re still in pain.

This is why as much as possible I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to be reminded how painful it is to lose a father. Each time I am reminded that I could no longer hear any wise words from him, I become scared and unsure of whatever decision I’m making. If only I could ask for his opinion and hear his support, I’ll be good to go.

We weren't close. He was so strict I felt I have been imprisoned since birth. As the song goes “His gentle means of sculpting souls took me years to understand”. Back in college I was dying to get a life of my own, away from his shadow and authority. Now that I have it for the rest of my life, I wish I had just savored those times when he can still direct the things I do. At least I know I was guided. It’s hard to lose a pillar where you get most of the confidence and strength from. I never thought he was one of my best source of strength, never noticed it until he’s gone.

He wasn't the best father. I don’t detest him though, I wasn't the best daughter either. I just regret I haven’t told him how great his contribution was in the foundation of my values and my personality as a whole. I couldn't have been any better if it wasn't for him. I never even said ‘thank you’ for all he has done. I never said he was forgiven. There were so many things I wish I did, so many thoughts I wish I said out loud.

Lord, I know my Papa’s now with You. Please let him know how sorry I was for being a pain in the neck at times, please tell him how grateful I am for all he has done especially for me, please tell him how much I love him. And most of all, please tell him I have forgiven him and give him the assurance that I do not wear any stain of hatred. These are the things I’ll always regret for not telling him, do it for me Lord.

“I thank you for the music and your stories of the road. I thank you for the freedom when it came my time to go. I thank you for the kindness and the times when you got tough. And papa I don’t think I said I love you near enough” (LEADER OF THE BAND)

“If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him, I’d play a song that would never ever end. How I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again” (DANCE WITH MY FATHER AGAIN–the culprit of my crying mood tonight!)